Strong Opinions

Sometimes it's hard to hold a belief and not press it on people.

Right now, I'm talking about my own personal opinions on rape.  My values compel me to shut down any conversation, joke or comment that promotes the idea that sex can be "taken"; that women by nature don't want sex but will "trade" it for things (like dinner, commitment, jewellery, etc); that people don't mean what they say; and generally things that promote less than enthusiastic sex.

I'm (when awake, at least) a very enthusiastic person.  I like to describe myself this way:  If I like bread, and I just found an awesome new bakery that makes the best bread I have EVER had, then I will want to let everyone know about it, even if they vehemently dislike bread.  Of course, this is an imperfect analogy, because this extends beyond liking something and believing something is morally good or bad.

So how do I compare to, for example, someone who devoutly believes that the existence of homosexuality fundamentally damages their own world, and wants to educate everyone else about why this is true?

Honestly, I don't have a real answer--not one that I 100% believe yet, anyway.

I'd like to think that my values (on rape culture) are "better" or "correct", and that everyone would benefit from hearing me talk.  But wanting to "educate" everyone and wanting to convert everyone, I think, can be very similar.

Right now, I think the distinction between, "I disagree with what you say and will criticise your message" and "I forbid you to say those things and will shame you" is crucial.

I think one of the important things to remember in order to stay on the right track is to not guilt anyone for having values different from mine.  (Although sometimes it can be really, really hard to not call a misogynist an ignorant sack of shit.)


For anyone who's curious, here are some of the things my values on rape culture compel me to do:

• Kill the mood whenever someone tells a rape joke; 
• Describe sex as an activity (as opposed to a commodity for trade; eg: "We had sex" vs. "I had sex with her"); 
• Mention consent in sex stories ("I asked if he wanted to have sex, and he said yes" vs. "We had sex"); 
• Use the most accurate words to say what I mean (unless the difference between a good word and a great word takes so much time it impedes the effectiveness of my message); 
• Refrain from dividing populations into "men" and "women"; 
• Talk about sex; 
• Talk about talking about sex (eg: "My boyfriend and I talked about what we like best about sex", "He told me that it's uncomfortable when I do that, so now I know he doesn't like that", "I asked her where she likes to be touched and how", etc);
• Whenever someone describes rape as "random badguy jumping out of the bushes at night and raping people", clarify that rape is an enormously under-reported act of violence, and that there is likely a much higher incidence of rape among partners than strangers; 
• Bring up that better communication can prevent rape; 
• Insist that "unwanted sex" is rape, that coerced consent is not true consent; 
• Insist that rape is an act of violence, assault, that rape is when someone doesn't want to participate in sex, and is forced (or coerced) to participate; 
• Do not insist there are (only) two genders or that men are distinct from women; 
• ...more

It's late, will write more...later, when there's less schoolwork.  

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